Holding Back Tears
by Heracratzarism
Summary: This is just my idea of what Ben was thinking when he was visiting Jimmy's grave at the end of 'Compass.' There are major spoilers for the third episode of the second season, so, if you haven't seen it, I would definitely recommend watching that before reading this! Enjoy and please review! I do not own Falling Skies.


Holding Back Tears

Ben was standing in silence as he looked down at Jimmy's freshly dug grave. He clenched his fists and dug his short nails into the rough skin of his palm until it drew blood. The grimy teenager wanted to yell or scream or cry or kill something. Killing something definitely sounded good to the grieving teen. Ben felt like anything that would distract him from his guilt and pain would be better than staring at the place where his friend was buried.

Jimmy wasn't supposed to be six feet under right now! If Ben hadn't taken him along on his Skitter hunts, he would still be alive. If they'd never been teamed up or if they'd never gotten along, he would still be part of the 2nd Mass. If Ben had protected him from that Skitter, Jimmy wouldn't have a hole in his stomach. Maybe if Ben had tried harder to push him away in the beginning...

"If. If. If," he whispered, trembling slightly.

Ben's hands rose to his hair, and he bit his lower lip as his green eyes stung with the tears that threatened to never go away. Why did Jimmy have to trust him? He should stayed away, the stupid Boland! Why didn't Jimmy do the smart thing and keep hating him like everyone else did?

The previously harnessed teen didn't realize he was ranting out loud until his voice started rising.

"God, Jimmy! Why did you have to be so stupid? Why didn't you stay away from me or ask Weaver for a new scouting partner? Why did have you have to be my friend? Why did you have to _leave!"_ Ben yelled at the loose, brown dirt, trembling as his knees buckled beneath him.

The anguished minor couldn't control the sobs that wracked his body, and, for once, he didn't bother trying to hold back the tears that fell from his eyes and soaked into the ground. The young man's body shook as he remembered the friend he would never see again. The middle Mason child remembered the day things had started to change between the two of them...

_Ben was glad everything had turned out alright. When Clayton had raised the gun towards Hal, __the sandy-haired youth's heart had skipped a beat. Luckily, his dad had shot the traitorous man before he could get a shot off._

_ The relieved teenager was brought back to his own surroundings when Jimmy Boland tapped him on the chest with a beat-up soccer ball._

_ "Thanks for coming back," the other boy said with a genuine smile._

_ Ben smiled back at Jimmy as some of the other kids thanked him for bringing help._

That was the day that things had gotten better between the two boys. They didn't consider the other as a friend until Weaver paired them up for patrols, but they were more at ease around each other after the Clayton incident. They had progressively gotten closer and closer after that.

Ben still blamed himself for Jimmy's death, and nothing would ever change that. He wasn't trembling as hard, and the sandy-haired teen forced himself to sit up and wipe his tears away. Jimmy wouldn't have wanted him to cry, but he just couldn't help it.

He didn't know how long he had been at his deceased friend's grave, but he knew he should start heading back. Part of him wanted to stay until someone found him. Ben knew that his father or Hal would come looking for him eventually.

Most likely it would be his dad. Hal could hardly look at him, and, when he did, it was always with wariness or apprehension. It was almost like he was waiting for the younger Mason to turn into a Skitter right then and there. He tried to ignore how uneasy Hal was around him, but it was hard when the older boy was always staring at him like he was some sort of freak.

_You _are _a freak,_the frustrated teen reminded himself, gently brushing his fingertips against the metal spikes embedded into his spinal column.

Ben sighed and decided he should get going. He wanted to make it back before it got even darker. Or before he started crying again.

The grungy teen stood up, and he came face to face with a pair of dark, soulless eyes, one of which was an angry shade of red.

**A/N**

**This is my first Falling Skies Fic, so I hope you enjoyed it. Sorry for the weird ending, but I wanted to end it at the part where Ben sees the Skitter. I can't wait to see where the writers will ****go with that story line! Anyways, please review! Thanks!**


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